Talking With Children About Death/Dying

As a caregiver, it can be difficult to bring up uncomfortable topics with children, including death and dying. Unfortunately, this topic of conversation will be unavoidable. Whether an evil villain in the movie dies or a child is faced with the death of a close family member, the topic is likely to come up earlier than anyone feels prepared for. In continuation from my previous blog on how children grieve, I wanted to address ways to discuss with children about death/dying. Why do we want to talk to children about death and dying? It’s uncomfortable. When adults talk to children about grieving we foster the development of a child’s understanding of death/dying/grief, correct any misconceptions a child may have about death/dying, and we encourage a healthy understanding of a child’s emotions about the death. When we avoid discussing death with children, it could increase a child’s anxiety about death/dying, lead to misconceptions about death/dying, and it decreases the feeling of safety for self-expression regarding feelings and conversations related to the death of a loved one and grief.

But what do we say? How do we say it? And when? Many of these questions can increase our own confusion and anxiety. Not only this, but many adults in the lives of children may be delivering these conversations while grieving themselves. To help support this process, see below recommended tips on navigating conversations about death/dying:

• Create a safe environment for children to talk or ask questions, this may look like a quiet and private room especially if this is the first time a child will be hearing the news of the death of a loved one.
• Use direct language such as “dead” and “died” while avoiding vague terms such as “passed away”, “they’re sleeping”, and “lost”. 
• Be honest with a child’s questions in a way that is developmentally appropriate. This can vary based on the circumstances of the death, but it is important to be as honest as possible
• You can model and show how you feel about the death of a loved one. Some parents I have worked with express fear in crying in front of their children, but this is completely fine. This can actually help to normalize the wide range of emotions that comes with the grieving process. 
• Allow children to talk as much or as little as they would like to about the death. Similar to adults, some may want to spend time talking about their loved one that died while others would rather not discuss the death at all. 
• Be prepared to answer the same questions multiple times, this is a child’s way of processing the information and does not mean that you have shared it incorrectly. It is also ok to admit to your child that you do not have the answers, because sometimes you don’t and you can answer this honestly. The most important part in answering a child’s questions about death is keeping answers consistent. 

As a parent or caregiver you may feel like you never know the right things to say in these circumstances. There is often no right answer of what to say, but for additional guidance on things to avoid in conversations about death/grief, see the following tips below:

• Avoid the use of euphuisms. Euphuisms may lead to increased anxiety and confusion. For example, when we tell a young child that someone we know has died by using the terms “they are sleeping”, young children will expect that loved one to wake up or experience increased fear of sleeping. 
• Don’t set an agenda during conversations of death, dying, and grief. Additionally, don’t set this as a one-time conversation, but rather an open conversation that you are always ready to discuss when a child is wanting to and not force if a child is not wanting to talk about it. 
• Don’t offer too many details. Again, it is important to be honest with children, but we don’t need to bombard them with information because it will take them time to process. 

To help facilitate these conversations, I have added some example scripts of how these tips may look in action. Please keep in mind the scripts provided are being answered for an early elementary aged child, so answers should be modified based on a child’s developmental age and understanding:

• A way to start a conversation: Emma, we have really sad news to share. Your grandmother has died. 

• Explaining death to a child: When someone dies, it means that their heart stops beating, they stop breathing, and their body is no longer working. They can’t eat, sleep, or play anymore. 

• Explaining to a child the irreversibility of death: When someone dies, they don’t come back because they are not breathing and their heart is not beating. When someone dies, they can’t do anything like before they died. Death is forever.

• Explaining to a child where they go: When someone dies, we believe that they are an angel in heaven watching over us, but we can’t speak to them like we could before they died.*

• If a child is asking if they will die or if other loved ones will die: Yes, one day we will all die because everything dies, but we hope we don’t die for a long time. *It is important to not promise people won’t die or that they won’t die for a while, because this is not something we can promise to a child. 

• Explaining a funeral/celebration of life: We want to invite people who knew grandma to see her one last time and share their favorite memories of her. You may see a lot of people crying when we go and you may see people laughing when they share stories of grandma. Having different feelings when someone dies is normal. 

*This is subject to change based on religious/spiritual beliefs. There is no right or wrong way to express what happens after someone dies when we are discussing this with children in a spiritual context. You can also return the question back to children here if this is a preference, asking them their opinions on where their loved one goes. What is important is explaining to children the permanence and irreversibility of a death to avoid misconceptions that someone who died can be alive again.*

These scripts serve as examples, but there are different ways to address these conversations. You may change your wording of the conversation based on a child’s developmental age. If more information is needed to understand how children grieve across the lifespan (ages 0-18), please visit my previous blog titled Children Grieve Too to learn more about the changes in the grieving process that children will experience based on developmental age. 

Information written in this blog should not replace the support of a mental health professional, but rather offer to parents, caregivers, and other important adults additional guidance in facilitating positive interactions with children during difficult topics. And as always for parents, caregivers, or other important adults in the lives of children, be gentle with yourself as you navigate these difficult conversations. 

References

Fry, Z. D, Mendrek, A., Gieg, L., Leger-Goodes, T., Lefrancois, D., Smith, J., Maltais, N., Claude Geoffroy, M., Ethier, M. A., and Malboeuf-Hurtubise. “How Do Children Think About Death? A Narrative Review of Historical and Recent Developmental Perspectives Examining Children’s Understanding of Death.” Sage Journals: Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry. 4 March 2026. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/13591045261430553 

Assadi, Farahnak. “Understanding the Childhood Grief: What Should We Tell the Children?” International Journal of Preventive Medicine, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 27 July 2023, pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10580192/.