Finding Your Way After Pregnancy Loss

1 in 4. You hear the statistic, and it appears insignificant until it happens to you. You don’t imagine that your pregnancy doesn’t go well. You don’t imagine that pregnancy loss is a big deal, until it happens to you. Then the world stands still. 

Pregnancy loss is defined as the loss of an unborn baby prior to its ability to live on its own outside of the womb. Pregnancy loss encompasses loss such as miscarriages, abortion, and stillbirth. Miscarriage is the loss of an unborn child prior to 20 weeks gestation while a stillbirth is the loss of an unborn child after 20 weeks gestation. Abortion can be a complicated and sensitive topic, but abortion deserves recognition as a pregnancy loss whether voluntary or not due to the effects on one’s mental health as a result of the loss. While voluntary abortion is a recognized pregnancy loss, some of the information in this blog may not be applicable as the writer chose to maintain the focus of this blog on pregnancy loss in the form of miscarriage and stillbirth. Additionally, the loss of a child after birth is not by definition a pregnancy loss, but information from this blog could potentially be used to identify ways to support yourself or others who have lost a child. Information written in this blog should not replace the support of a mental health professional, but rather offer gentle guidance, insight, validation, and ways to support loved ones. 

Miscarriage is the most common complication of a pregnancy, resulting in about 20% of pregnancies, and recurrent miscarriages occurring at a less frequent rate. Since this is a common complication of pregnancy, the impact of it can frequently be overlooked. 55% of women who have a miscarriage experience symptoms of depression, 27% experience symptoms of perinatal grief, and 18% experience moderate anxiety (Cuenca, 2023). In recurrent miscarriages, the numbers increase for both women who carry the pregnancy and the partners who are involved. However, this type of loss is overlooked and misunderstood, so it is likely that these numbers and the impact is higher. Stillbirth is a less common form of pregnancy loss, and is considered an adverse pregnancy outcome. Individuals who have had a stillbirth are likely to experience negative mental health effects. 50% of couples who experience a stillbirth are likely to experience symptoms of anxiety and depression. Couples who have experienced losing their child due to stillbirth additionally reported a lower quality of life, poorer marital relationship, and sexual problems. In subsequent pregnancies, parents are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and post-traumatic stress disorder (Cucena, 2023). 

In our society, grief is often an overlooked experience, despite the fact that everyone at some point in their life will experience some type of grief. With pregnancy loss, the type of grief associated with this unique type of loss is overlooked and misunderstood. The grief from pregnancy loss is considered disenfranchised grief, which is grief that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, socially supported, and is often misunderstood. Grief in itself can present as an isolating experience, but grief that is not publicly recognized or that is misunderstood can increase feelings of isolation. This type of loss is unique. Parents are not just grieving the loss, parents are grieving the future. They are grieving all the wonder and curiosity of who their child was going to be and what life would be like. Secondly, in the case of miscarriage, there is often not a way to memorialize the loss. In many cases in the death of a loved one, there is some form of memorial service to honor one’s life. Without a service, there is a misconception that the grief should be short lived. Lastly, perinatal loss for women is associated with increased feelings of shame, guilt, and responsibility for the loss. It is not to say that these feelings cannot happen with other types of grief and loss, but the grief becomes increasingly complicated. 

Pregnancy loss is isolating. It is not recognized like other losses. It is hidden. In some cultures, blame will be put on the mother for the loss of the pregnancy. It is grieving what was, what could have been, what will never be. The goal of this blog is to shed light on this heart-wrenching loss and to offer gentle support for yourself and others: 

• Recognize the baby. Did the baby have a name? Recognize the baby not as the “miscarriage” or the “stillbirth”, but rather by calling them “baby”, “child” or by the given name.
• Do not minimize the loss. It does not matter how early the loss occurred in the pregnancy. If the loss feels significant to you, then it is significant. For others who have individuals in their life who have experienced pregnancy loss, accept their emotional response as valid rather than judging the appropriateness of the grief.
• Do not attempt to define “normal grieving” and do not be afraid to discuss the loss. There is no normal way to grieve. Some may be completely invested in discussing the loss and memorializing their child they lost, others may not want to talk about it. Grieving is a unique process for each individual. How you or others may grieve is not up for debate, each individual needs to do what is right to create their own path for healing.
• You do not need to say things to try and “fix” what has happened. Grieving a loss is not a problem that needs to be solved. Saying things such as “At least you have other children” or “At least you can have more children.” minimizes the significance of the loss. For grieving parents, the loss of an unborn child can have as much of a psychological impact as it would for the loss of someone at any other age. The presence or future presence of other children does not fix the loss and can be invalidating to grieving parents (this sentence may be repetitive based on my addition above) Rather, be a witness to one’s grief, letting them know that they and their unborn child are valued, recognized, and seen. This may be uncomfortable, because it is, but it is important to be willing to support one in their grief.
• Seek out mental health therapy and support groups. While society is still learning how to accept and understand your grief, you do not have to wait for support. Finding support from a therapist who specializes in grief or perinatal loss can help with the subsequent mental health effects that come with pregnancy loss. Additionally, support groups can help to reduce the feelings of isolation associated with pregnancy loss and be a source of validation for your experience. 

No matter what others may say, your loss matters. Your baby deserves to be seen, known and your grief deserves validation.

Citations

Cuenca, D. (2023). Pregnancy loss: Consequences for mental health. Front Glob Women’s Health, doi: 10.3389/fgwh.2022.1032212 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9937061/#s2 

Weir, K. (2018). Healing the wounds of pregnancy loss. American Psychological Association, 49(5), 26. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2018/05/pregnancy-loss

https://www.fhpcc.com/disenfranchised-grief