Children Grieve, Too

The death of a loved family member, friend, or any other significant person in your life is an inevitable experience. Everyone will experience it at some point. However, the death of someone close to us seems more likely to happen later in our adult lives. This unfortunately is not true. 1 in 11 children will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the age of 18, with an estimated 6.6 million children who are bereaved in the United States. This accounts for 9.1% of children. By the age of 25, these statistics double, increasing the chances of losing a parent or sibling early in life. These statistics only account for parents and siblings, which leaves out the children who grieve the death of other family members, friends, pets, and many more. 

Since death is a common experience for young children, it is important to understand how children grieve so that as adults we feel equipped to support and guide them through the grieving process. This blog will focus on how grief manifests in children from ages 0-18. Grief is difficult at any age. For readers who may be grieving alongside the children in their lives, there is no right way to grieve. It is important to be gentle with yourself in this process as you navigate supporting yourself and another in their grieving journey.

A common misconception in childhood grief is that children do not experience grief. A better way to understand how children grieve is seeing this as a life-long process that changes across the life span as they continue in their development and understanding of the loss. Children do grieve, however the grief will manifest differently depending on the child’s developmental age and cognitive capacities. Here is what may be expected to happen in different developmental stages: 

• Infants/Toddlers (0-3): Children at this age will not understand the concept of death, however they will understand something has changed. When a death occurs, routines and schedules become chaotic. Children at this age feel this shift in routine. Routines at this age are crucial for a child’s development, so a child’s grieving may manifest as changes/regressions in developmental milestones and increased irritability.

• Pre-elementary (3-5): The concept of death at this age still may be skewed for children. Children will often view death as a reversible experience. Children at this age may ask many questions about the death, often repeating questions about the death. It is also expected that children at this age may reenact the death in their play. The response to loss of a loved one for children at this age may result in milestone regressions, including toileting regressions, sleep disturbances, as well as increased separation anxiety.

• School-aged (6-9): Children at this age may still continue to engage in “magical thinking” regarding the death, but may develop more understanding of the irreversibility of death. Children will express increased curiosity about death and dying, specifically about what causes death and what happens after people die. Children at this age may additionally show regressions in their emotions and behaviors as this is often a child’s means of communication where they lack the cognitive capabilities to.

• Pre-adolescent (9-12): Children at this age develop understanding that death is final and inevitable. Pre-adolescent aged children may come to the realization that they too will someday die. Because of this increased understanding of the finality of death, children at this age may experience increased anxiety and fear of death. They will additionally want information about the death of their loved one. During this age, children may experience regressions, weight loss/gain, become increasingly socially withdrawn, and may have more difficulties at schools academically and socially. Finally, children at this age may experience suicidal thoughts. It is important to contact your local crisis resources if a child you care for experiences suicidal thoughts.

• Adolescents (13-18): At this age, adolescents will develop understanding of death on a cognitive level. Conversations and questions may increase about spirituality due to the loss of their loved one. Adolescents may exhibit increased anger, guilt, anxiety and depression. Changes in academic performance, behavior, and friendships is also a common sign of distress for youth at this age when experiencing the loss of a loved one. Adolescents may not discuss the loss with the adults in their life, but they may be more inclined to discuss the loss of their loved one with friends. 

Information about the above changes that could be seen in bereaved children may be in the context when they lose someone who they had close relations with, such as an immediate family member. However, there is not a “normal” way for a child to grieve much like there is no “normal” way of grieving for adults. As adults, it is important to understand these signs of grieving in children so that adults can facilitate conversations about their grief, support them in their grieving journey, as well as help them to access any needed support. 

Resources:

Assadi, F. “Understanding the Childhood Grief: What Should We Tell the Children?” International Journal of Preventive Medicine, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 27 July 2023, pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10580192/.

“Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model.” Judi’s House, 9 June 2026, judishouse.org/research-tools/cbem/.