What Your Child is Actually Telling You

Teasing a sibling, not paying attention in class, or becoming explosive when being told “no”. At some point in your role as a parent or an adult active in a child’s life, you may have seen some similar behaviors come up. It can be frustrating. For parents especially, I imagine feelings of embarrassment can come up as well. Other people stare at you at the grocery store wondering why you can’t stop your child from having a tantrum, other parents may question your parenting when they see your child “acting up”, and your child says things to you like “I hate you” and “You are the worst”. 

Let’s be honest, a part of having and/or working with children can be extremely frustrating,  totally overwhelming, and hurtful. We can admit that these feelings come up AND still love them. While I would love to talk about the complex emotions that come with parenting, I will have to save that for another time because I am really here to communicate with you that these behaviors are actually a child’s way of communicating. They are not playing games or being “manipulative”, they do not have the capacity to communicate their needs in the way adults do. In a previous blog, I discussed how the brain develops from the bottom to the top. This means that the part of our brain that is responsible for critical thinking and emotional regulation doesn’t develop until your mid 20s. Without these tools, it’s difficult for a child to communicate about their needs in the way us adults expect them to. We have to learn to let go of how we expect our child to communicate and adjust in a way that supports their socioemotional well-being. 

So how do we do this?  Where do we even start in understanding what it is your child is telling you? To be honest, as someone who works with children, I don’t always know and there is never a straight answer with this. I can’t always know and neither can you, but we can utilize information about the Crucial C’s and the Goals of Misbehavior to help us better understand behavior as communication.  

To understand the Crucial C’s and Goals of Misbehavior, I will briefly discuss the theory these concepts draw from, Adlerian Play Therapy. An Adlerian Play Therapy approach recognizes the importance of social connection and social context in a person’s emotional well-being. Adlerian Play Therapy has these primary tenents:

• People are social beings and have a need to belong
• Behavior is goal directed
• Perceptive to reality is a subjective experience for a person
• People are whole and unique, unable to be separated into parts (Kottman & Meany-Walen, 2016). 

Using an Adlerian approach views behavior as one that is socially driven. If we view children’s behavior from the Adlerian lens, focusing on the Crucial C’s and the Goals of Misbehavior, we can learn more about what a child’s behavior is telling us. The Crucial C’s are important needs of a child to feel that they belong socially. While the goals of misbehavior are the maladaptive ways in which children attempt to get those Crucial C’s met. The Crucial C’s include the following:

• Connect
• Capable
• Count
• Courage

And the goals of misbehavior:

• Attention
• Power
• Revenge
• Avoidance 

Connection and Attention

When children do not feel a connection to others, the goal is then to focus on getting attention by any means necessary, regardless of if the attention is positive or negative. Think about the child who is constantly “getting into trouble” or pushing your buttons, this child’s actions may be driven to gain attention from you, even if it is negative attention because something is better than nothing.  

Capable and Power

For children, feeling capable means they feel they are competent and disciplined. For a child who does not feel secure in their abilities and capable, they tend to seek out power and control. This is the situation where adults get into power struggles with children. This is the child saying “no” to your request and being defiant. Children want to feel capable of making their own choices. A way to support this need is to encourage a child to make choices where it is appropriate. An example of this may look like “Do you want to wear your green jacket or blue on?”, this offers a child a choice in what they are wearing, but makes wearing a jacket not an option. It is important for children to be able to make choices when they are allowed too. This doesn’t make a parent any less in charge, it actually is guiding a child and teaching them that they will not always be in control of everything, but they can focus on what they are able to control.

Count and Revenge

Children, and people for that matter, want to feel that they are important. When children do not feel that they matter, that leads to hurt feelings and insecurity that manifests as revenge. “Getting back”, hurting others with words like “I hate you”, and being cruel in some way to another can be concerning things to see from children. I always use the iceberg analogy with the children I work with when teaching them about anger. At the tip of the surface, you can see the anger. The yelling, the hitting, the mean words. Underneath the surface is where the real emotions are. Feeling hurt and like they don’t matter. 

Courage and Avoidance

A child having courage means they are willing and able to tackle developmental tasks. Tying shoes, riding a bike, transitioning to higher levels of education. Being courageous does not mean a child is not scared or worried, but that they are resilient and willing to try new things even if they know it’s going to be difficult. When a child does not feel courageous, it can lead to anxiety and avoidance of the task. Why would anyone try something if they perceived failure to be the outcome every time? This is when avoidance sets in. Children become afraid to make a mistake so they avoid the task or refuse to participate. 

Now that there is an understanding of what a child’s behavior may be communicating, here are some general tips to help support a child’s development and reduce these behaviors

• Replace negative attention with positive attention It can feel really easy to notice just the negative things that your child is doing, especially if it is happening frequently. Try to notice and point out to your child the positive things while ignoring the unwanted behavior, not the child, when it is safe to do so. Praise a child for the little things, including the things they are supposed to do. 

• Allow your child to make choices Allow your child to make choices where appropriate. Allowing control and choices does not mean you are not the parent. As the parent, you get to decide what the choices are. An example of this may look like “Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after dinner?” You are expressing that they have to do their homework and avoiding it is not an option, but they can choose when they get it done. In providing choices, you are teaching a child to make decisions and that they will not always be in control of everything, but they can focus on what they are in control of. 

• Creating boundaries while normalizing feelings It is important to validate a child’s hurt feelings. We can teach that feeling hurt is a normal emotional experience to have and how to manage those emotions when they come up. You can express to a child “It hurts your feelings when your sister won’t play with you, but hitting her is not an option, you can share with her it hurt your feelings or choose to do something else. Since you hit your sister, you can no longer play.” You can validate the emotion, express alternative solutions to emotional expression, and share the natural consequences that come up when a child chooses differently.. 
• Focus on the process, not the outcome Encourage participation, regardless of what the outcome is going to be. Failure is a common human experience, and it teaches us important lessons. We have to teach children that it is ok for them to fail and to make mistakes. It is important to emphasize to a child that their hard work did not go unnoticed when they are attempting a challenge by saying things such as “You worked so hard.”, “You’re disappointed you didn’t win your soccer game, but I am so proud of you for trying.”, and “Your math homework is hard, but I know you can do it even if it isn’t easy.”

All of this is easier said than done, and takes time to practice. A reminder to parents who try to implement these tips: you are human too and you’re doing your best! These changes don’t occur overnight and they require consistency. But once you get into your own rhythm, you’ll begin to notice the changes in your child’s behavior, their emotional well-being, and your relationship with them. 

*It is important to note that child behavior may become more complex when a child has experienced trauma. While there is a place for these general tips in helping a child who has experienced trauma, it is also important to enlist the help of a professional to support the emotional well-being of the child.  

Resources

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/goals_of_misbehavior_part_1_attention

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/goals_of_misbehavior_part_2_power 

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/goals_of_misbehavior_part_3_revenge

https://www.canr.msu.edu/news/goals_of_misbehavior_part_4_inadequacy 

Louise Wonders, L., & Affee, M. L. (2024). Play Therapy Treatment Planning With Children and Families: A Guide for Mental Health Professionals. Routledge

Meany-Walen, K. K. & Kottman, T. (2017). Adlerian play therapy: Practice and research. In R. L. Steen (Ed.), Emerging research in play therapy, child counseling and consultation (pp. 100-111).