Setting Limits and Why We Do What We Do: Working with Your Children and Not Against Them

Sometimes it can be really difficult to tell a child “no” to something. It feels like giving in to these tiny requests is not a big deal and sometimes, it really isn’t a big deal. But other times, we experience the opposite where saying turns into opposition, tantrums, and explosive behaviors. Setting limits is an important part of a child’s development. Limit setting helps children develop decision-making skills, self-control, and enhances their responsibility and accountability of their actions. Limit setting also provides a sense of safety, consistency, and prosocial boundaries that is an important part of the parent-child relationship.

In child-centered play therapy limit setting is used, and something that is also taught to parents. The ACT method for setting limits was developed by Garry Landreth, one of the most influential contributors to Play Therapy. When a child tests the limits and boundaries, it can feel really difficult to stay calm and regulated. With the ACT method, you are able to develop a “script” for what to say in the moment. While you feel like wanting to explode with your child, you do not need to think about what needs to be said because you already know what to say. In having a script of some sort, you are able to regulate yourself, modeling for a child prosocial communication and boundary setting. Here’s how it works:

Step One: Acknowledge the Emotion

Validate, validate, validate. By validating, you are letting the child know you see them and what their experience of the situation is. It doesn’t necessarily matter about the rationale or the intensity of the feelings being out of proportion to the situation. It is part of the human experience. We all overreact and become irrational at one point or another, children do the same. We start with validating before setting the limit so that a child may feel seen and understood.

“You’re feeling mad because you worked so hard on that tower and your brother knocked it down”

Step two: Communicate the Limit

Once we acknowledge the emotion, we then communicate the limit that was broken or the undesired behavior. In acknowledging the emotion first, we let the child know the emotions are okay but the behavior is not. After acknowledging the behavior, we communicate to the child what they shouldn’t do. Saying phrases such as “Stop” and “Don’t do that” are not as effective because we are not being clear about what it is we don’t want happening. We clearly state and describe what it is a child should not do.

“…but your brother is not for hitting”

Be clear and distinct about what it is you want from your child, but no need to go into extensive detail. The more succinct, the easier it will be for yourself to state, and your child to understand. 

Step three: Target the Alternatives

When we say “Stop” and “Don’t do that” we are not just being unclear about what it is we don’t want, we are also not expressing what it is that we do want from a child. Children testing limits and boundaries is expected. They are testing the world around them, constantly assessing what they can and cannot do. Adults are responsible for teaching these do’s and dont’s. In targeting alternative options to a child, it’s recommended that you provide 2-3 options of what a child can do instead of the undesired behavior. In providing options, you are also teaching a child decision-making skills. 

“You can hit the pillow or you can punch the bean bag.”

I have often been asked what to do when your child does not respond to the limit you are attempting to set. This is a valid question because sometimes, children do not respond to the limit being set as we expect them to. In this case, you provide the consequence. A child does not learn if we set the limit, but then don’t provide a consequence when they do not respond in the way we are telling them is allowed. I typically will give a child about two to three attempts to correct their response, and give a warning that if they continue to engage in the undesired behavior that a consequence to their actions is possible. 

“You’re feeling mad because you worked so hard on that tower and your brother knocked it down, but your brother is not for hitting. You can choose to hit the pillow or the bean bag when you’re feeling mad.” 

“I can see you’re still feeling mad, but your brother is not for hitting. You can choose to hit the pillow or punch the bean bag instead. If you choose to try and hit your brother again, you won’t be able to play anymore.”

“Since you chose to continue trying to hit your brother, your play time has ended and you can no longer play.”

This is how children learn the cause-and-effect of their actions and enhance their decision-making. They learn if I do this then this happens. Children need natural consequences so that they may learn different ways to respond to their emotions. Initially, it is to be expected if a child pushes back on the limit especially when a new limit is set. It is important to keep the limits and boundaries consistent so that a child may learn about how to engage with the world around them. 

Resources:

O’ Connor, K. J. & Braverman. (2009). Play Therapy Theory and Practice: Comparing Theories and Techniques. John Wiley & Sons, Inc. 

https://www.childandfamilydevelopment.com/blog/setting-limits-the-a-c-t-method/