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IFS: Understanding Your Inner World

By Dane Ray | January 21, 2025

Sometimes, we experience emotional struggles or feel disconnected from ourselves or our relationships. These moments can be confusing, leaving us wondering, Why do I feel this way? or Why can’t I respond differently? One helpful approach to answering these questions is to think of your mind as an inner team made up of distinct “characters” or “parts,” each with unique feelings and needs. By getting to know these parts, you can create more compassion and connection for yourself and open the door to deeper healing.

Exercise: Meet Your Inner Team

Imagine that the different thoughts and emotions inside you are like characters in a story. Some parts might feel scared, others protective, and some might just need rest. Here’s how to start exploring this:

  1. Visualize or Journal: Spend a few minutes picturing these parts, or a specific part. For example:
    • Is there a part of you that wants to please others, even when it’s exhausting?
    • Do you have a part that gets frustrated when things don’t go as expected?
      Write down what each part feels or says.
  2. Create a Dialogue: Imagine speaking to these parts as if they’re friends needing your understanding. For example:
    • “I see you’re really tired from trying so hard to please everyone. I know you want things to feel stable and you want  the people you love to be well. Thank you for working so hard to protect me. Let’s find a way to rest together.”

This simple exercise can help you feel less overwhelmed and more curious about what’s going on inside.

Exploring Core Emotional Wounds

Sometimes, parts of us carry pain from past experiences, like feeling left out or not being cared for. These “wounded” parts might show up as sadness, fear, or even anger. By gently exploring these feelings, you can start to heal old wounds.

How to Begin:

  • Ask yourself: What does this part of me need? Maybe it needs reassurance that it’s safe now or acknowledgment that its feelings are indeed valid.
  • Example: If you notice a part that feels lonely, you might say, “I see/ feel/ hear you, and I’m here for you. You don’t have to handle this alone anymore.”

Building Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is like offering yourself the same kindness you would to a really good friend or a young family member who you love. It’s not always easy, especially when you feel upset or stuck, but each small step can make a big difference.

Try This:

  • When you catch yourself being critical (of yourself), pause and ask: What would I say to someone I care about in this situation? Then, say it to yourself.
  • For example: Instead of thinking, “Why can’t I just get over this?” try, “It’s okay to feel this way. It makes a lot of sense why this feels so uncomfortable, intense, frustrating, or disappointing, I’m doing my best, and that’s enough.”

Improving Relationships with Self-Awareness

When you start understanding your inner world, it can also improve your relationships. Here’s how:

  1. Name What You Feel: If you’re upset with a partner or friend, pause to ask, What part of me is speaking right now? Which part has a need or even a fear?
    • For example, you might realize, “This is the part of me that feels unappreciated, and it’s trying to protect me by getting angry.”
  2. Share Gently: Instead of blaming or withdrawing, you can say, “I feel like I’m not being heard, and I’d love to talk about how we can fix that together.”

Healing Intimacy Through Safety and Connection

Relationships, especially intimate ones, can be tricky when old wounds or fears get in the way. If you or your partner struggles with emotional or physical closeness, creating a safe and compassionate space is key.

Steps to Try:

  1. Start the Conversation with Care:
    • “I’ve noticed we’ve been feeling more distant, and I’d like to understand what’s going on for both of us. I want to reconnect at a pace and time that feels comfortable for you.”
  2. Respect Boundaries: If your partner isn’t ready to talk, let them know it’s okay, and still state your need/ fear.
    • “I’m here whenever you feel ready to share. No rush.”
  3. Focus on Small Moments of Connection: Instead of aiming for big changes, try little actions, like listening without interruption and without judgement, holding hands, sharing a favorite memory, doing something intentionally for one another, or just sitting together without distractions.

Managing Frustration or Rejection

It’s natural to feel frustrated if things don’t improve right away. Here’s how to stay grounded:

  • Reframe Your Perspective: If someone pulls away, remind yourself that it might be about their own fears or struggles, not a rejection of you.
  • Practice Self-Soothing: When you feel upset, try deep breathing or listening to calming music to help yourself stay centered.

Why This Matters

Understanding and accepting all the parts of yourself can lead to greater peace, both within you and in your relationships. By showing compassion to your inner world, you create a foundation for healing and deeper connection with others.

If this resonates with you and you’d like more guidance, consider reaching out to a therapist or coach who can help you explore these ideas further.

 

About The Author

Dane Ray